A Yes In Time

A Yes In Time 

I was one of those kids that would be scared to ask for anything, as a soft-spoken child, to get up the nerve to ask for something, would almost cause me to pass out!  My hands would start to sweat as I rehearsed in my head what to say. Many of times I would walk in the room to ask for something, only to pretend like I was looking for something. Even if I sensed my mom was in a good mood, I still couldn't bring myself to ask.

I remember spending the night with my aunt, and she had left for work. Her daughter and I were the only ones home, and she was up stairs talking on the phone. So I decided to sneak downstairs and get something to drink. I opened up the refrigerator and found some juice. I looked around for a cup, but I decided that if I used a cup, they would know I had drunk some juice. As I lifted up the jug to my mouth, my aunt came busting through the door! It frightened me and I dropped the jug on the floor.  I was so scared, I braced myself for a slap or two.  I had never seen my aunt spank my cousin, but I knew if I had did this at home, my back would be on fire by now.  She walked over and grab some paper towels, and started cleaning up the mess. I put the top on the juice that I was able to save. As I watched  her, clean and mop the kitchen floor, she stopped took me by my shoulders and looked me in my eyes and said "you don't have to sneak and get things here baby, just ask."

Just ask? Just asking got me a no, with no explanations at home. My mom only said yes when she was asleep. My brother was the only one brave enough to do that.  She would be so tired from work, that if you touch her hand and spoke softly, she would always say yes. He could ask if he could go outside and it would be 8 o'clock at night, and she would say yes. She couldn't punish him, because we would vouch for him.

I believe it was around the  7th grade, I was really trying to have my own style.  To make my new look complete I wanted a pair of black and white saddle shoes; you know the Oxfords. I really wanted a pair. I reasoned with myself, that since it was basically a clothing item she might say yes. Again, I practiced what I was going to say, "Mom, I never ask for anything" or" I always take care of my shoes." I was ready! I came in the house and put my stuff away, and changed out of my school clothes. Not long after I got home, she came home and went to take a bath. I decided I would ask her, after her bath. I thought, she'll be a little more relaxed after a bath. 

I couldn't believe that my lips were moving,  I was stumbling over my words, but I got out the ending..." can I have a pair of saddle shoes?" She looked at me as she pulled off her shower cap, ran her hands through her hair. Her eyebrow went up and she said no, just no, nothing else.  I ran to my room, my shoulders bent in like angel's wings covering their body. I was devastated!  But why would I be devastated? Why should I be upset, she always said no. Asking for something so sensible like shoes, would be no different. As time went on, I thought maybe she will get them for Christmas, since that's when we got stuff we actually told her we wanted, but I didn't get them. 

I had forgotten all about those shoes till the other day. I saw them at the store. The memories came flooding back.  I put them on I walked around in them, I still loved those shoes. As I walked up to the register, I had forgotten what I actually came in the store to get, but I knew what I was leaving with. As I walked to the car, I looked up to heaven and I said Mom, look I got them!

I had been so angry with her and disappointed that I didn't get them. But we see things different when we become adults and maturity set in. Especially when we become parents, my aunt was much older than my mom, so she had become wiser with her parenting. I don't think my mom understood how devastating hearing no over and over again, could be to a child.  But I understood as an adult, that our father had passed away and  as a single provider, she didn't always have a lot of money. It had to hurt  her, to have to tell us no all the time. I know it hurts me when I can't get special things for my family.

So when I was looking up to heaven and said, " I got them now," I was actually saying, "it's okay mom,  you couldn't get them then but I got them now and now it's just fine!"

My Oxfords...

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking , be put away from you, with all malice: and be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

Ephesians 4:31-32

Have you received forgiveness? God doesn't forgive us Because we forgive others, that falls under mercy. But knowing He forgave us, and we want to mirror him, we forgive. There is no disappointment in forgiveness. 

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